My Hideous Meekness

I got introduced to the cruelty of peer-pressure at an early age. For some clearly practical scheme, I was enrolled first grade at age 4. Don't do the math, I thought it was merely a joke. My mother had quite a clout in our school system and so I got in without proper evaluation. 

The exposure to big boys and sassy girls was disconcerting. They were brash and downright ethnocentric. I felt marginalized each time I tried to enter their clique. In my solitary trail, I stumbled upon a most potent weapon: I hid my true rambunctiousness and assumed meekness. It was marvelous how this got me empowered subversively. In my deliberate distancing, I found a way to control the stupidity of aggressors preying around me. I simply played dumb sheep. 

As I went along in years, I discovered that my cover was not original. I met all sorts of masked men and women, all seemingly timid but undeniably, wild at heart. The pretensions are both funny and nauseating. I know this because of my own disposition: I walk in and out of social intercourses leaving a self-effacing impression but insidiously marking my territory with impunity. I have learned a way to get what I want by appearing to be saintly unprotesting. There is no holiness in this. It is self-absorption at its best disguise.

It has been a most tiring existence to say the least. Duplicity never produced rest. And thus I get what it means to spin unceasingly.

It was until my attention was halted by a quake. The redemptive weight of Christ not only dislodged my camouflage but utterly demolished it. He saw through my veneer of shyness and undressed it for its blatant sin. It is truly nothing more but one more weapon in my armory of fear.

When I understood the holiness of Christ and took on faith to enter in, I was stripped with all pretensions. I was revealed for who I truly was: a dark sheep with a foul breath. The deep gorge of my self-esteem is merely a by-product of my delusion to create my own holiness. This was of course, a colossal exercise of futility. I am chief of sinners.

When one faces the true HOLY, HOLY, HOLY, the soul breaks to a point of disintegration. I chose headlong to run towards repentance and claim God's reasoning over mine. As a result, I found my shyness resected and replaced with a boldness, so humble and devoid of guile.

This miracle cascaded through the initiative of the True Meek Lamb who alone is able to uproot my hideous lie and usher me to His righteous tie.

 I am becoming gentle and true because of Christ.