The Night the Bimmer Left

I got married in 1988. The air we breathed was Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up. Every young man dreamt of driving the BMW 325is. Back then, it remained a fancy yearning, I had to settle for a 1969 VW Beetle and a new wife.

Two decades later, I was working on an incredible project. A dear friend gave me the exact car I drooled for. It was of course, used (perhaps, over-used is more apropos). The paint was oxidized. The wheels were gunk-grey. The engine was at least half an inch grime-coated. Rather surprisingly, there was no ding or rips inside out. It was just dirty and about to die. The restoration took on quite a toll.

Since I am a die-hard purist, I only used OEM parts from Munich. Of course it also took on my heart's unguarded devotion. It was almost back to its mint condition except for a leak on its power-steering receptacle. None of my cheap mechanics had a clue on the drip.  I had no choice but inquire from BMW. The manager was naturally awed by the old steed. When he saw the issue, I caught his grin: "What fluid are you using?" "premium Power Steering fluid, of course!" His retort was: "Bingo! If you read your manual (I had none!), you would have known that this one only uses the specified Dextron/Mercon. We sell them here for $45. That will fix it!"

The miracle was cheap.

But the seeping continued somewhere else. I began developing an unusual swag when I drove her around. It doesn't take much to detect the idolatry that was slow but surely involved in my little hobby. Just as the bimmer's soul was determined by the accurate diagnosis of its engineer, I knew mine needed an MRI.

Once in your life, you get to do something truly scandalous to save your soul. It happened when I met a Dallas cop who was so kind to the bone. I discovered that he too is a pastor, happily married to a school teacher. We became good friends. He drove a dilapidated pint-sized Mazda. Once I asked him what I can pray for, his answer was quick: "Hey Bro, just pray for another whip, my wife and I just share this lil' champ."

Through my developing inner tension, I don't know where the strong impetus came from but I found myself calling him one day saying that a car has been graciously provided. That Wednesday night I handed him the keys and title.

There was a brief hand-off. I was too scared to change my mind. I had to dismiss him rather abruptly.

He told me the following day, that he with his first lady drove around their neighborhood beaming praises to their incredible God up until the wee hours of dawn.

They thought they had the best gift.

The deeper beam was on me: I experienced the genuine exegesis of a true grant. The Bimmer never left. The True Owner just rolled it nicely to the next guy.

Why Pitbull Rocky is Color Blind

That's not quite accurate.

Dogs are perceived to see only black and white but they do have limited photoreceptor cells that allow them to see the world through yellow, blue and gray hues. Not as colorful, but clear enough for committed devotion.

I was born to a regional culture that promoted indifference towards dogs. Repulsive as it is, the poor mongrels were victims to provincial gourmet. I remember the horror of witnessing the killing of our guard dog to rustle up Azucena during the feast of San Fernando to augment the traditional banquet. I had a standing nightmare that day.

But dogs are the kindest. It remains a mystery how these creatures imbibe a loyalty beyond compare. You kick them, you starve them, you curse them ... their loyalty remains. It takes a dead person not to feel this crazy fidelity.

The Oscar Awards has trended quite a protest. Jada Pinkett Smith and Spike Lee registered their disdain over what they perceive as a clear lack of diversity among nominees. All 20 contenders in the acting category are all-white.

I see much dog connection in the way our world sees humans these days. No wonder, the LORD of Redemption spoke about a day when color-marks will lose their curse. If you care to read the prophetic freedom of such generation, go read the high definition from Genesis to Revelation.

I used to ignore dogs but they persist in loving me. I did not realize that their lack of color perception was God's gift for my stupidity. I also woke up to my ignorance that these wonderful creatures are gifted with a sense of smell that is hinted to be 100 million times more sensitive than mine.

I will try not to boycott the Oscars. I will invite Rocky to watch it with me.

Credits: Rocky's true parents: Max & Pau Roycroft

I was a Beggar

I was a beggar. I found bread.

Back in the early 80's, at age 18 I probably reached the heights of personal debauchery. The interesting nuance was that it went deliberately undercover. I was suave and religious. Being a Catholic, I went to mass everyday. But God knows, this was just another pawn I use for leverage. At the Benedictine School, my A's in Religion were trophies of irony. I would take holy communion with a predetermined plan to sin twenty minutes thereafter.

Hell was a death away. And so my regular attendance was actually more of a bribe.

I was a popular scholar and a social leech. I smoked two packs of Marlboro a day, partied like a beast, while silently smoke-screening my poverty.

Renchi was a senior stud. He was all the man that you hoped to be. Good looks, brains, finesse and spot-on braggadocio. One day I saw him uncharacteristically alone reading. This took on a troubling frequency as he lost his boisterous gait; There grew a saintly bearing that I couldn't quite understand. He turned different, with a most unusual air of splendor.

It was September 10, 1980 when I got pulled out from mendicancy. Renchi hosted a small forum to disclose the capstone of his own searchings. Setting the context of his life within the meta-narrative of Scriptures, he went on to present what I thought I already knew from years of catechism.

What truly struck me was the simple distinction he made about the ineptness of any human effort to define life and that of the foolishness of the message of the Cross, being able not only to define it but supply its essential resource.

The holy pitch was insulting my intelligence but somewhere deep in my soul, it was forcefully addressing with clarity my deepest puzzles. The way of Christ can only be accessed by faith not from any form of religion but toward the Person of the incarnated God, Himself. I cannot quite fathom why my surrender ensued without a fight. The beauty of what I beheld, overpowered all my cumulative defenses.

I am Christian not because I searched and found the jewel. While buried in dereliction, my homelessness was all too visible to our compassionate Deity. Just as Renchi was shown his utter dearth, my hunger was exposed while being ushered to a royal feast.

How can one resist bread after a life-long diet of crumbs?

Photography: Renchi Arce in Art and Soul / Vocation: Storyteller at Vineyard Community of Faith / Former status: Beggar / Current Status: Adopted son of the King of Kings

The First Cowboy

David is John Wayne to me. A seasoned Top Gun, he served as base commander in Asia while I was trying to grow some of my wings. I met him at church. The beauty of his family was magnetic. He spent most of his weekends seeking paths to assimilate his deep spiritual zest to his assigned cultural locus. He got adopted as son to one of Luzon's provinces as a validation of his sincere grit. I love this man. He was the first cowboy who loved me. I call him my second Dad.

It was during a most troubled time in my late adolescence when his bullets saved me. We had an excursion to some historical island in Luzon when we were caught in the fury of a menacing squall. The banca was no match to the pummel of 20 feet waves. While rain poured like leopards and elephants, our hapless condition hung by mercy's thread. While this giant calamity toyed with our puny boat, there was something more internal that seized my fright. I was in a state of deep sin. I was tired of God and was on detour of satiating my personal greed. Somehow, I knew, the storm was not some casual incident but His hoist of warning.

I was preparing to drown. While the frantic silence grew, I began untying my shoes, removing my watch ... I must travel light in water. It was then that I spotted David at the prow. He was as calm as an Oak . It was so disconcerting to spot the exact contrast of my internal convulsions. I overheard him say: "I've been through rougher waters."  

Who cares ... when my deluge was truly unseen. The storm grew wild enough to squeeze the sputtering motor to a halt. It was then that I imagined my day's end.

Not quite.

The cowboy's leadership was sterling. His quietude steered our motley crew to stay the course. It seemed like eternity being spiked up and spiralled down the chaos of China Sea. I kept my eyes on David for anchor. God was not in the boat. He chose to be in the eye of the storm.

It did not take much to surrender. When you are up against the God of Poseidon, any struggle is futile. I resolved to stop my defection that day. I prayed: God of the Seas, take me to your shore, I am yours again.

David is now retired but untiring in his quest for redemption. He may be clueless on how his mere posture saved me from drowning one stormy day.

The Face of Forgiveness

Celestin and I both went to Dallas Theological Seminary bridled by meager means. The witness of God's provision however was most lavish in our symbiotic friendship. Dr. Musekura has taught me deep forgiveness. The Rwandan genocide of 1994 handed him a curriculum that led to a groundswell of mercy in the African Great Lakes Region.

While he wrestles with his cultural affliction, I find myself pressed down by the mystery of forgiveness. I still carry some wounds that bleed from the muck of my own rejection of grace. There are many forgivers that I know, who are generous in releasing others but have not found strength to forgive themselves. And so while this seems strange, I look in the mirror and find a familiar countenance: have I really forgiven myself from my worst perdition?

The worst kind of un-forgiveness is that which is inflicted on oneself. I know of an elderly woman who still suffers from the ghost of quadruple abortion. She confesses of hell's incineration ever so often, but she will not let go. She just could not go past her transgression.

Non-forgiveness insidiously paralyzes all peripheral relationships. The reason behind the impasse seems perfectly virtuous:  we forgive others, we forgive God, but ... we find the forgiveness of ourselves our deep enigma. We live through it, knowing that we are not at peace with our guilt. There is only one cure for this wound: it comes through the vehicle of praise.

I know from theology that my life was crafted to prize God above all. But do I really exalt the person of Christ with utmost regard or is He more like my genie bottle or the cosmic detergent that wipes my stain?  To praise God is to maintain exuberant boast in Him with no fleeting thoughts of competition from some nearby allegiance.

My attitude not to release myself from my own guilt reveals my juvenile faith. When I choose not to forgive myself, I unravel God's true rival in my heart. If I cannot take God's offer of forgiveness, it merely reveals my detour to another source of salvation. Not Christ's of course, but toward one that ironically puts me back in chains.

Celestin has forgiven entire villages as he leads a global arm of reconciliation. We are all called to take forgiveness seriously. Christ knows hell. He took its excruciating whip to spare us from even a second of woe. He who knew no sin became our quagmire. We are healed from the curse by His stripes.

And so I come to forgive myself. In song and in dance, I look at the face of sinful humanity and declare the liberation of God's Wonderful Arrival.

The face of Christ is seen in both our forgiveness toward others and to ourselves. The joy in Celestin's visage asserts this. I strive to imitate his lead.

I am Worth Less

All there is to life is determination of worth. We live to seek it. We strive to acquire it. We pray to maintain it. But it never stays. Human worth is prodigal. It always runs away.

Why this is so ought to grant us some hint that we were designed to cohabit with worth.

Our toys and accoutrements seem to upgrade our intrinsic value until someone comes along with more swag. We gather persons to induct them into our Facebook kingdoms, hoping that a few more hits might suit us up for even greater alliances. We buy into counterfeit gods to satiate our longing for direction while imbibing our idols with imagined implements.

And all these, to naught. Deep down, the gnawing sense of worthlessness rears its ugly head each time we declare our behoof.

There is however a way to find our true worth.

It is contingent upon discovering the necessity of praise in our lives. The reason for our identity-crash stems from our misguided delight in praising ourselves. We make up our own press releases and take selfies of manipulated angles. We know our pretensions as we feed our apprehensions. We are prone to praise: to lift the worth of someone, something, someplace. 

The proper recipient of praise is never towards anyone or anything that is merely created. To give worth to that which merely sprung from the genius of its Creator speaks of a terrible misreading of worth. The God who created all things demands praise not because he suffers from lack of esteem but precisely because He has infinite worth. To declare His worth is to be in touch with the most veracious declaration that awaits human articulation. To live a life devoid of praising God is to die into an existence deprived of true worth.

And so as we turn to God's Story, we are prompted to praise the LORD!

This is not some impassioned plea nor bargain but a sacred must. We are called to stew praise from all our being. The heavens become the limit to our boast. We are called to retrieve all of God's throwbacks not only on Thursdays but for all days. His surpassing greatness must flavor all our initial and final conversations. Since, our mental and affectional capabilities were generated for this singular purpose: we are to praise God at all times! Even our dance must follow His symphonic worth. We are called to loud praise. Not to a hush, but towards a holy rambunctiousness that shatters the glass of our abysmal worthlessness. ... ushering us to the newness of a life anchored to God's incomparable praise.

Through all our present darkness, we are shown the lumens of God's incomparable merit: the worth of Christ must be received.

As He is taken at His Word, worth takes on a most natural dwelling: our little lives magnified for His glorious Praise!

Tea, Yoga, and Me.

I am writing this blog while sipping the calming Teavana Jade Citrus Mint on Yeti cup. It has been my daily morning ritual. It is my Yoga pose.

My daughters and wife are into Vinyasa just as they are in yen for Rothschild Chateau Lafite (1982). I find myself on the qui vive for holy concern. I am allergic to wine and too stern for Adho Mukha Svanasana (Downward-Facing Dog).

I am often asked if Yoga and Wine are of the devil. My quick impulse takes me to the wedding at Cana and the garden of Gethsemane. There is wine. There is pose. 

I guess what applies to wine applies to yoga and all else.

My humanity has an uncanny propensity to judge and neatly stack my verdict to two unalterable cells: the sinful and the holy. I judge the moment I rouse. This tea I am drinking is actually too darn hot! 

I am made to wonder where and how I got this penchant. One thing I know, once I tag an issue, and in most cases, persons .... I derive a sense of orgasmic power. Of course, at the expense of my raped victims. I know ... it is wicked and definitely, not from God.

This is so true with Yoga and Wine. I used to disdain the yogi/yogini as well as oenophiles. That was until I stumbled upon the rooted rebuke of Psalm One. That was when I came to repentance and lost my blindness.

Truly, this world was designed for joy. But due to our present lack of bliss, we turn to all sorts of alluring fountains. We have been inflicted with deep amnesia. We ignore that this is God's World, all things have been crafted with a marked endowment.

What is revealed in creation is wild: the vines produce fruits that transform our evenings into jubilees of fellowship. The human pose is rediscovered for its capability to take in breath and posture to hush the stress. But then again, without The proper Guide, we turn all the good that God crafted into machinating idols. Instead of worshiping the God of the vineyard, we get drunk and gyrate to our lecherous raps. Instead of upward hands lifted to the Sovereign LORD, we chant the Sanskrit with Vedic mantras of nugatory worship.

My young friend Stephanie is into Vinyasa Yoga just as her father is steeped in mainstream Business. Her dad is my hero of a man whose opulence is subversively leveraged for God's kingdom. In a most wonderful ministry, she arranges her limbs in a special way to pray in order to demonstrate the rustle of God's ruach, just as her dad lines up his resources to exalt the One who owns the cattle of a thousand hills.

Stephanie is a tree planted by the streams of water. In her evergreen pose, she is a witness that holy silence can be most vocal in a world gone deaf.

When she is not in deep communion, ask her about her story. (follow@stephaniedan1 on IG; follow @stephanie1 on FB).

Photo Credit: Director Vince Salumbides III

Porn to Die

I was five when I got introduced to porn. The indelible glossy image of Miss March had been archived in my head. All that it takes to pop it open is a blink. I had no clue what took off from those days of curiosity but a true monster held me hostage for years.

My father's skin collection, though well hidden, was no match to the pulsating craving that had me search every possible source for a few more peeks. The fix of pornography is wildly ethereal. Through my adolescent decrepitude I found a place of mirth. All these staggering women staring at me ... vigorously offering their virtual intimacy. it was a most emaciating arrangement. One dies a thousand death with porn. It never satisfies. It silently humiliates as it bullies the reality of one's hidden ineptness.

When I followed Christ, I was ushered into liberation. I discovered the cosmic insurgency of what used to be my fundamental preoccupation. If there was anything truly anti-Christ, it had to be porn.

In Christ, I see beauty from the grandeur of God's purity. I began to understand why I was created in flesh and in spirit. In creation, the reflection of deity was conceived. The human body was created with pristine beauty. The imago Dei was deliberately stunning.

But the fall ended this wonder.

Sin caused the need to provide coverings for our nakedness. We have become creatures of shame through the compliments of our own guilt. Whenever there is any un-dressing, our sensibilities run amok. We gravitate toward exposed flesh in search for some scent that provides the clue that there might be something in our sexuality that was stolen. Somewhere deep inside our conscience, we know there is inherent beauty in the flesh. But since we have become blind to these unseen realities, we experience flesh differently: our glands take over and lust intercepts our attention. We are no match against this invasion to our soul. We are porn to die.

The only way to regain the gift of original vision is to turn to the only One who vowed to destroy the virus. Christ took on flesh. Incarnation was his introduction to the Armageddon of our lustful existence. Carrying the form of our infected vessel, he went on to live the perfect life in the flesh. His perfect submission to His Father's will sustained his walk. As such, he showed the proper way of the flesh. Holiness is not only assimilated but imputed towards anyone who would dare to believe in Him.

It occurred to me that my resonant pleasure is in the discovery that my transformed flesh took on the form of a tabernacle. I have become a dwelling place for my God who radically transplanted His spirit into my flesh, causing it to burst forth in pure beauty. So exquisite is my physicality that is now able to cohabit with a divinity that harks back to imago Dei.

Every now and then, the haunting of lustful images rally for my affection. All I do is close my eyes, and with deep discerning breath, enter into the incomparable largesse of Christ's incarnated affection for me.

I have no more room for lust. All my chambers are now occupied with whoops of true ecstasy. 

The Sadness of Madness

H. L. Mencken, the influential sage of Baltimore, was on point in saying that before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it.

There is much to think about how much weight we invest upon our own thoughts. We live by maxims that somehow found their creep in our souls. And so we end up believing all our cogitation.

I am a thinker, but more often than not, I somehow discern dishonesty when I speak. I say a lot of things but these are mere migrated ideas I have purloined from someone. Nothing I think  is original, yet I am quick to the copyright. There is such madness in the arrogance of pretending to know life's rivets. It makes for a truly sad masquerade. 

The world we live in is protean. The incessant changes are too involved even to observe. And so at times, I find myself merely tolerating the cascading thrust of Mad Men. I am often lulled to the procession of naive victims duped by some calculating Pied Piper.

I am a pastor and so I listen to rumors of men. The plethora of scripts overwhelm but all carry a common line: the culprit is a lie.

The Psalmist locates our geographical struggle right where we live (Psalm 120). Our culture is wrong. The stories we read are stained with deep duplicity. Our attention is veered away from the true beginning. There is no hope of Shalom in this present land. Any promise of expectancy apart from the genesis of Eden will lead to a delusion nurtured by sadness. A cry for an egress is necessary.

I have written a book ( read Disconnect/ found in this site) on this matter as my way of hiking with each and every wanderer. There is no sense in pursuing a life promised by mere guess. A single step towards a thousand places is not required. All that is needed is a sincere thirst for the hilarity of gladness and the accompanying willingness to laugh with God alone.

In the peerless cinematography of Scriptural direction, I rediscover that I was never designed to live on sorrow's default.

I was uniquely crafted to demonstrate a certain resplendence unbeknownst even to the best minds of this exilic world.

Here then is where my life begins to speak: from the Gladness of Brightness.

What God does to Death

I will die.

A few seconds before this inevitable occurrence, all that I have measured by way of belief comes to a breath-taking curiosity. 

The subject of mortality runs every Philosophy towards utopian heights. Religion seeks to impose the ex cathedra of how one fights the quietus. Humanity subversively hides in denial resorting to divergent technological spas.

Christianity stands alone in its presentation of its prognosis.

The Scriptural meta-narrative reveals death's character not as an anomaly but as the necessary consequence of our choosing to ignore the primary claim of life's creator that He is God.

Being God, he determines both the personality and functionality of all. To miss the mark of his inscrutable wisdom is to join the ranks of self-defined rebels. God calls this arrangement Sin. When this independence is imbibed, the consequential malignancy is earned. God cannot stop the justice of death, because He is God.

The story does not end though. Leveraged from infinite compassion, the impossible mission was conceived. God's incredible love takes on the fury of judgment upon Himself. His Son suits up in human form and battles death towards submission.

I almost had a son.

Luke was conceived with delight. I somehow knew what he'd be like. He will play good basketball and learn Economics. My third child would have been the recipient of learned parenting. I would have spared him from all my previous flub. While imagining a most ideal fatherhood, a drop of blood burst my dream. He died in his mother's womb.

I do not have any categories to grasp the abysmal conundrum and thus I turn to the unrelenting tenacity of Christ's claim. He alone claimed the true stare-down toward this nemesis: Oh Death, where is now your sting? In my oceanic distress, I hold to the anchor of the One who did something to resect my son's corpse.

God's story pulls me to believe where my unborn son now lives. In the meantime, I am granted the grace of hope that there is truly nothing that can ever separate me from his victorious grip. The story of gloom is displaced by his hopeful bloom. I am enabled to move on despite the temporal loss.

Last month, the young cavalier who is pursuing my youngest daughter came in to visit. He quickly disarmed me with his stellar charm. He played guard for Colgate University's Men's Basketball Team (NCAA Div. 1). Surprisingly, he too majored in Economics and currently works for a European Financial Group. I was not able to resist the shot to engage him in a game or two.

It was more of a wild circus. He was fiercely unforgiving in registering his depth and dominance. I was more watching than playing. More than once, he skywalks and flies over for a thunder.

While all this blur was taking place, it just occurred to me: his name is Luke. He plays basketball. He knows Economics. Truly, my Creator's wise humor blows me away.

After all, He is God.

Small wonder, I catch myself with a momentary beam when I think of my son's demise and that of my own future hop. Death is forever rendered benign by my everlasting Father: the true conditor of humans, basketball, economics and yes, of the insuperable gift of eternal life.

Despicable without Christ

My youngest daughter lives up to her name pure joy. If I am curious about her state of happiness, all I have to do is observe her wiggly feet. Gladness is somehow wired to the crescendo of her foot tremors.

When God sprinkled seeds of glee, she must have caught a ton. Sometimes one gets introduced to a remarkable person and their presence changes your mood with unexplained brisk. I just seek to be a better person when she is around.

I guess it's all about the essence of purity. When we behold what is pristine, our shadows somehow flee. That is probably why I miss her a lot. Who does not crave incandescence?

Her vocation is design. She is currently finishing school at FIT NYC, while working as artisan for a major fashion group. Etched conspicuously in both forearms is a lovely tattoo that betrays the vertical extent of her cover: I am Yours. You are Mine. (Isaiah 54:5)

Her love for Christ defines who she is.

Just this Christmas, she was in her usual cavernous chat with her Mom. The conversation took on a deep reflective trek. They both went rehearsing their stories of life and prequel. With casual poise, she told my wife: "Mom, you always see me as your perfect child. You need to know that I am not." Perceptively, she got this response: "Honey, you will forever remain a perfect child in our eyes. There is absolutely nothing that you do, will do, or have done that will ever change that."

The words of the prophet reflect the personal sting: "we are all unclean ... all we do are like filthy rags." But the news that shatter this stigma hauls all our every smut towards the unfathomable incinerator of Christ's available forgiveness. No wonder, as we receive this grace, we are enabled to experience unabridged joy.

This is so true in Kara's life. No wonder, I am always deeply honored each time she is joyfully around.

A Perfect Spiral

My eldest daughter was born with an ingrained passion for dress. The allure of enchantment that accompanies a laced goune has always enthused her joy. She would sleep in her flower-girl gown with glee. 

As time went by, her stirring for clothing held its ground. One day, she asked permission to leave Texas to study fashion in New York. With reasoned trepidation, I asked why. Her response was terse: "Dad, I will be the next Coco Chanel. but I will be different, ... God will shine through my work."

She finished summa cum laude when she graduated with a degree in Fashion Merchandising. She now manages the portal of an authenticated luxury consignment company in Manhattan. When she was an intern for Ermenegildo Zegna, she was asked why she starts her day by reading the Bible. When she was humored for her claim that it was her daily date with Jesus, she all the more disclosed that she likewise meets with Christ during daily lunch and dinner dates. She turns to the Master Cloth-Maker for current mentorship, with no apologies.

Nika's future follows the promise of a perfectly thrown anchor. In a world struggling to make its mark through bows and arrows, she has discovered the true way to prosperity: by standing firm on God's divine blog.

Just this past Christmas, she gave me a most unusual gift. It was an old Macbook with a worn-out case. I was kept intrigued until she flipped it open revealing the gift of a personal website: www.russelldiwa.com. She knew my love for diaries and blogs. I once told her that I started blogging when dinosaurs roamed the earth. I did not realize that my old blog somehow gained some following (28,000). Her acumen for metrics kicked in. She thought of my blog site and of its potential leverage to further advance the lumens of Christ. 

That is why this writing space seems rather trendy. The heart of a fashionable saint just threw in a perfect spiral.

Thank you Nika for quarter-backing my little thoughts about our Majestic God.

Boxing with Jake

The movie Southpaw moved me like no other. Jake Gyllenhaal's character reflected much of what I go through in my struggles towards repentance. Reaching the pinnacle of his boxing career, he loses everything. Redemption came when his daughter cried out for true repentance instead of all his brute efforts to make things right.

I get rebuked. But often, I hide and pay more attention to the embarrassing pain it induces. It reveals the fabric of my feigned remorse: I do not really hate the discovered sin. It is the consequence of what it does to me that I hate. And so I turn to self-pity. I feel bad about myself and I seek retaliation towards those who dug up my mess. This is not repentance. It is a lurid editorial of my propensity toward self-righteousness. It is the sin of Adam. It is the sin that facilitated our corporate fall.

True repentance ignores the personal pain of having been discovered with sin. A deep recognition of what sin does to Christ becomes the only agenda. It brings out the cosmic treason and insult it hurls at the Cross of Christ. Jesus spared nothing to grant me freedom from sin's bondage. All that he requires is the adoption of his imputed righteousness, even when I fall. And so, I repent by not taking sin to my puny mountain of self-righteousness but towards the resplendent glory of Mt. Calvary.

When I turn to the cross when I fail, I find the outstretched arms of my Savior reminding me all over again of the depth and wonder of His loyal love. I am engulfed by his grace and mercy.

Truly, as grace and mercy are Christ's one and two punches, I never last a second at Round One. I am always declared winner even before the bout begins.

Why My Vote Is A Trump

[trump] n. 1. a card of a suit any of whose cards will win over a card that is not of this suit. 2. a decisive overriding factor or final resource. 3. a decisive and exemplary person. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

The former first lady, Imelda Romualdez Marcos,  is a blood relative. When I got baptized, she stood as my godmother. Lola Carmen (my grandmother) fondly recalls her proud mentorship towards the young Imelda. When she rose to prominence, her correspondence with my Lola kept steady. I do have a copy of her sincere request for prayers for the candidacy of the young senator Ferdinand. I witnessed the rise and fall of the Marcoses. There were times that I was prompted to leverage our relations for my personal advance. Since I went to San Beda College, the presidential palace was literally a few hundred steps away. For some reasons, I kept my distance. It was rather prescient for me to do so.

The boon of politics has remained on its slippery slope. Leaders come and go. Promises are made and never kept. Yet, the world remains in a mysterious waiting stance. There is the insatiable clamor for the rise of the best president ever; the king of all kings. I remember the veil of despair when JFK's vision banished at the grassy knoll. The outstanding popularity of Obama has become a social relic. Not to mention, the demise of Julius Caesar in the hands of Gaius Cassius Longinus and Marcus Junius Brutus. It is rather sad that the world's most powerful died on a spot that is now a mere bus stop known for its putrid urine scent. Kings do come and go, rather unfashionably.

Marcos held power and so do the rest. But the prophet Daniel was on to something as he declares: It is God who changes times and seasons; he removes kings and sets up kings; he gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding. (Daniel 2:21)

I now live in America.  I will vote soon for a president. I am not deluded by the sophisticated spiels rallied towards my allegiance.

I turn to the wisdom of the prophet. It is the LORD God who holds the key.

I was told to take the role of god-parenting rather seriously. But most of the time, with casual neglect, I just forget the vow to serve the little ones. For as far back as I can recall, all that I ever got from Ninang Imelda was a tiny infant bracelet. I gave it to my daughter when she was three. She lost it at church while pretending to be a queen.

I guess, I would have to be more forgiving. The winning card can never be found in human pledges.

The Foolishness of Being Born-Again

I am born-again and I'd be lying if I do not admit experiencing a sense of edginess each time I get to disclose the central core of my existence. A recent survey indicates that it is no longer cool to have born-again neighbors. We are seen as caricatures of alien stiffness.

I find contemporary culture's disdain over the metaphor riding on two presuppositions: the opiate of a new birth is for the emotionally weak and the morally distressed. All others: the strong, the intelligent, and the self-made have no need for such, in the same manner that Bill Gates won't grant minute attention to an Amish Elder speaking about the perils of technology.

There was however an archived development. A stalwart of intellectual vigor and emotional stability met with Jesus one stormy night (Gospel of John / Chapter 3). Nicodemus had absolutely no intent to subscribe to his teaching. He came as a representative of the most supercilious intellectual/moral class of his day (Pharisees). He came merely to invite the popular teacher to beef up their religious league. Jesus ignored the overtone and shot straight: you will not understand any of life unless you are born again.

In clarifying the imagery, Jesus introduced the necessary mystery that accompanies the proposition: like the wind that invisibly blows, so goes the message of the metaphor. In speaking to the cultural icon of intellectual suave and emotional fortitude, Jesus made a clear point: no one gets an exemption. Every person needs to be born again.

Of course, Nicodemus doesn't get it. How can a person be born again? Jesus emphasized the radical nature of his offer: there is nothing in human achievement or pedigree that merits intimacy with God. Only one thing holds: when all our efforts are recognized for their true lack and Christ is received as life's sole originator and administrator.

When this is believed, the wind takes over. The Holy Spirit completely transforms the willing vessel: born again in every sense of the word.

Augustine of Hippo once lived a life of debauchery. His lust consumed his hours with prostitutes. Upon conversion to Christ, it is told that he once visited a village where a young lady used to be his doodad. Upon a chance meeting, he treated her kindly, with warmth and dignity. There was no hint of lustful advance but its inverse. The young lady stood perplexed as Augustine bid goodbye. She thought that perhaps she had been unrecognized. After a few moments of thought, the lady pursued Augustine saying: "Augustine, Augustine ... It is I!"

Augustine replied: "I know dear Lady, but It is no longer I." The wind has blown.

I met the quintessence of Nicodemus's profile a few years back. The man was intelligent, affluent, and self-made. We once talked about my faith and in a most genteel intimation, he quipped that he does respect my foolishness but it's just not for him.

As time went by, my good friend contracted a terminal illness. Days of confused anger filled his search for an anchor. His son, who knows Jesus, one day delivered the package of Christ's offer: "Dad, there is no other way ... you must be born again."

Two months before he met his Maker, he called me to register his new birth. I was just imagining the personal upheaval when he gave everything up for what seems utterly foolish in exchange for Christ's guaranteed life. His joyful transition provided the resplendent powerpoint.

I walk this foolish path, all day, all night. There was once a Rabbi named Saul who took on this journey. His name was changed to Paul in lieu of his new birth. His grass marker is quite revealing: "I am a fool for Christ's sake."

A fool indeed, but there is not a day that I fail to receive the exhilarating surge of divine affection and wise fortitude that I know by heart, comes from the the Holy Wind.

Hard Shelter

Just a few days ago, I could not even squeeze myself into the stairs closet. Nine persons plus one puppy hoping for the tornado sirens to stop.

It did, but only after leaving a horrific catastrophe. It seems so familiar: a dormant volcano half buried our home in the 90's; Some friends perished amidst the pulse of the Richter scale in the 80's. 

It just doesn't make any sense. And that is exactly why.

I reckon that none of my human senses will ever fathom these tragedies. Thus I stopped creating my indie films on these monstrosities. 

I still read the culture of despair that seeks to assuage our shared despondency. There has to be an outcry.

With all our registered complaints, one wail remains unique.

The Torah discloses a story like no other. It reveals the curious portal of why this world exhibits brutish tantrums. A bitter script that lays it down with no frills: we bought into deceit and the consequence is what we bear now.

The epic unfolds with sterling cinematography. The first two pages (Genesis) discloses how it all began. The last two pages (Revelation) on how it will all resolve. And then the vast middle, speaks of where we are and why things are so.

I am presently wrapped up in rumination of  who I am in this troubled world. I was merely 4 miles away from last week's Rowlett-Garland cataclysm. I was spared to think for another day.

It suddenly dawns on me that it is not about some religion or some philosophy anymore. It is just about the integrity of Christ's claim to have risen from the dead. If this script is dead-true then life stands with hope. Jesus claims to have come from His Father to offer no relief to our chaos. He offers full redemption not by any sensitive editorial release but by unleashing the unthinkable: God offers Himself. 

Not to heal but to redeem our fallenness and all else included.

This sounds so simple. No wonder Christ called it children-stuff. The witness of Scriptures beckons me to believe by faith. Thus I take shelter for now.

The hard truth will take care of me with much conviction.

Holy Pain

The language of pain is most articulate when it is spoken through the portal of blessing.

I thought I knew pain. Not quite.

Some three years ago while on a routine visit to the children's hospital, I discovered a deep emotional prognosis. While the infant's parents wept, I stood more curious over the anomaly. He was born without a jaw coupled with a hole in his heart. It was my first time to actually see an open chest cavity amazingly covered by a sophisticated plastic clear-wrap. After praying, I tried to force empathy with manufactured tears but there was none to drop. Something has gone wrong with my vocational core.

I don't know what I was thinking but I prayed: "Lord, I need your help. I think my heart has been numbed by years of religious pretension. Please set me free. Release my heart to feel what you feel. I beg to be ordained by your mercy."

God truly knows a serious prayer. He answers swiftly.

I was diagnosed with a rare mandibular anomaly. The only cure was resection. My lower jaw and lower teeth had to be removed. My leg fibula bone becomes donor for replacement. My thigh flesh will be harvested for skin and gum grafts. I was discreetly told to practice smiling with my eyes and perhaps adopt a slurred speech. It was a 12 hour microsurgery performed by Dallas' two finest surgeons. The only consolation was its benign nature.

For more than two years, I got inducted to the intermediate class of pain. The physical strain was peripheral to the psychological weight that never left. I was on a liquid diet while watching my body lose its mass. Words are too rigid to describe the tectonic jargon that took place every single day.

I was introduced to agony's middle name.

Through this long journey, there was one indescribable reality that subverted my heart. I began to know what it truly means to feel. My affections have been altered by the divine scalpel.

It has been three years since. The scars are settled but wild. The twenty-one titanium screws in my mouth have remained vise-gripped. I still tilt to the right if I fail to engage my core muscles. I have lost my Asian accent. I now sound more like a gagged Sean Connery.

But my heart has undergone a transplant: I finally know what it means to cry for my brothers and sisters.

I wish I had this pain earlier.

Grand Mercy

I have an African son.

Emeka Joseph calls me Poppa. He is fiancé to my eldest daughter.

His astonishing fortitude reflects his late father's vision to establish a seminary in Nigeria. His mother, a doctor, explains his acuity. His brother, a pedigreed NFL champion hints why only a few reps on the press rips his biceps brachii. His sister, a prolific fashion designer spills the vogue genetics. Not to mention, the other siblings with equal if not better endowments. 

What is truly remarkable about him is his intimacy with his Redeemer. He was a wild prodigal until God showed him the way to the egress.  If there is any strong argument for the colossal nature of divine mercy, Emeka stands nonpareil.

His love for my daughter resonates with a purity that is refreshingly alien. His regard for me beams with respect that seats me with proper humility. I have never met a man so resplendent in soul.

Emeka is a restaurateur/sommelier running what was recently voted the best Italian Restaurant Eatery at Tribeca, Manhattan. Whenever I visit, he serves me four things: unbridled eye contact, cardiac smile, dinosaur hug and impeccable gourmet.

I invite you to meet him someday. He will either be at Gran Morsi or at Trinity Grace Church Chelsea.

Ask him for black coffee. Add brown sugar.

Chat about Grand Mercy.

Guaranteed Joy

When I was young, I languished over joy's elusiveness. I sought it on my own terms. I bought it from my own resources. I thought about it with my deluded conceit.

There was no true joy.

All that I can produce was a copy. I lived with a duplicate until I found the source in the person of Christ. Like a tree planted by the streams, my roots have anchored deep on God's abiding word. The seasons come and go yet I hold: I am being sheltered from each and every blight.

I thought joy was to be found when one finds a woman to marry. Not so. Another person in one's life merely highlights one's hidden poverty. If it were not for the life-altering offer of Christ's grace in my life and marriage, I would have gone the drifter's way.

I now experience the measure of joy daily through my converse with Manel. I have been given a life-long companion to grasp the truth that my marriage is a mere gift. I either subscribe to the jargon that man and wife are mere affectionate symbiotic commodities or I sign up to the primary design that this one-flesh union is a grace-developed picture of Christ's love for His people.

When I get a kiss from her, I know by intuitive theology that a miracle is taking place. True love only happens because God loved us first.

This is joy guaranteed to its highest exponent. Soli Deo Gloria!

Two Shoes

I am a walker.

I love to navigate through fields, streets, and more especially the road-less traveled.

I do not keep tabs of mileage but I might have circled the globe intuitively. I wear all sorts of shoes. At my trek to the ball drop of NYC in 2013, the steady Doc Martens kept me glued well for hours. I stand on my Imperial wingtips forever but the resiliency of the plain Moab Merrell defines comfort on a raised pedestal. And thus, I keep walking.

I find so much walking in the Bible. As I go through the narrative of faith, I see the metaphor of journey prevailing. At the center of these steps is the incredible witness of the Psalmist introducing life, using two steps. The common steps lead outwardly. The other step strides inside.

Life derives from within. Like a tree that find its nourished strength from deepened roots within, so goes our derivative. 

There are two kinds of shoes. Those worn out by the rugged confusion of our fallen world, and those kept taut by a good path. We wear these shoes. We get to pick which shoes to wear, and what path to take.

There is an invitation to consider the journey that leads to a most wonderful discovery: a place not found in our walls. The apt shoes to wear are the ones provided by the One who walked and demonstrated where we ought to go. He traveled from the City of God, to the city of men to show us the way.

My daughter gave me a pair of Cole Haans. I performed an experiment: I nurtured each shoe with divergent attention. I cared for the left shoe with utmost attention. I left the other one unattended. At some point, the appearance of distress on one and the loveliness on the other could not be hidden. The intentional path has determined their character.

No one chooses our route for us. We get to choose Christ's intentional care or enter into a decaying default.